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Couples Therapy Los Angeles - Technique for Dealing With Your Spouse Leaving You
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net Transcript of Video: Question: My husband came home tonight and told me that he loves me but he no longer wants to be married to me. I'm crushed. Why is he doing this to us? Response: I can certainly appreciate the difficulty of this situation. But I'm sorry to say it is not uncommon. In fact recently a client told me that her husband sent her an email, not even in person, telling her, after a 12 year marriage, he no longer wanted to go on. This is very difficult to hear, but one thing you have to take into mind is that this didn't happen yesterday. He'd been thinking about this for a while and he just decided now to inform you about it, and tell you about it. It's important, though, for you to realize that he's not doing this to hurt you. That's not going to serve you. You need to see it as his own decision. But regardless of that, it is crushing. It's very difficult when someone in your life makes a major decision about your life where you've got play catch-up and react to. That's a very difficult position. So I want to help you in providing you with certain steps that you can take that may help you get through this very difficult situation. The first thing I want you to do is I want you to write him a personal letter. Don't worry about what you're going to be saying because you're not going to be sending it to him. This letter is for you. To help you with you expressing you and getting all this negativity out of you. So I want you to write a letter in the first person, "I am furious". Letting him know all of your frustrations, all of your anger, all of your rage, even, and don't worry about it being presentable. Remember this is just for you. The second thing I want you to do is to write another letter. This time from your sadness. You've gone through a tremendous loss and that needs to be expressed. And you need to give yourself the freedom in the letter, to say to him, "I've experienced a tremendous loss. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you but now I'm just left with a big hole." The third thing I want you to do is, and take your time, because you probably won't be ready for this initially, but when you're ready: to look over your relationship, and look for all the signs that were there. Things that you thought of saying, but you hesitated, you wanted to bring up but you didn't, or just excused. And write all these down. And this will help you to no longer be in a relationship where you end up being surprised. Because when you're surprised, that feeds your emotion. So if you have all this information, you can really help to take care of yourself in the future so that you don't get into this kind of situation. Because you'll be prepared. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net
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Couples Therapy Technique: Agreements & The Four Yeses - Dr. Bruce Derman - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net or Marla Gorlick at http://www.FullYesLiving.com Transcript of Video: Question: What is the biggest mistakes that couples make in a relationship? Responses: Dr. Bruce Derman: Being in a long term committed relationship is extremely challenging. It asks you to face and come to agreement and thousands and thousands of agreements. Some big, some small, yet no one tells us, at least they never told me, what a real agreement is. Marla Gorlick: So ask yourself, have you made agreements in your life where you ended up feeling resentful, frustrated, and disappointed? Well guess what, you're not alone. This is so common. Couples make agreements with just one yes. But a real agreement is with four yeses. A mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual yes. Dr. Bruce Derman: You may be asking, what's involved in these yeses? Mentally it means that your thoughts beliefs and values are in line. Emotionally, that you're feeling say yes. Physically, that you have the energy to support that agreement. And spiritually, that it meets a higher purpose in the relationship. Marla Gorlick: So each of us has had experience with past relationships where they were just partial yesses. And the result was chaos, turmoil, discontent. Dr. Bruce Derman: In a previous relationship of mine, I knew from the very beginning that I didn't have an emotional yes. I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel solid, yet my insecurity led me to go ahead anyway. Marla Gorlick: And for me, I wanted to wait before taking a relationship further. I needed more psychological development. I needed to be older. But I didn't do that. I went along instead with my partner's desire. Truly that was not a mental yes. And the result of that was a very functional relationship but it was an immature one that a lot of hiding, avoiding, and sweeping issues under the rug. Dr. Bruce Derman: In contrast in our marriage we had a full agreement on all four levels from the very beginning and as a result, we've both experienced the most nourishing, most mature, conflict free relationship that we've ever had in our life. Marla Gorlick: So real agreements take a lot more time energy, energy discussion, and the willingness to listen to your partner. So look at three past agreements that you've made with your partner were they real agreements, or were they sloppy ones? Dr. Bruce Derman: With this tool that we're giving you, with the four yeses, you can go back to those agreements and look at them through the eyes and the lens of the four yeses. That will enable you to turn around sloppy agreements, know what the gaps are, and end up making full agreements. If you just are committed to that process. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net or Marla Gorlick at http://www.FullYesLiving.com
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Sex Therapy Technique For: Trouble Keeping An Erection - Dr. Bruce Derman - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/sex-therapist-los-angeles Transcript of Video: Question:My husband has trouble keeping an erection and feels great shame about it. I tell him I don't care if he completes the act but he just pushes me away. It's hurting our marriage and I really do just want to be close to him. What can I do? Response: I really hear your concern in your question, and your helplessness. What you need to first recognize is that you're coming up against a man's identity. A lot of men identify that the performance of their penis is who they are and if their penis doesn't work, it's like death. On top of that, and where we need to start in this situation is that he's not hearing you he's not letting you in. He's leaving you out of the sexual relationship. So we need to break that pattern. The way that I want you to do that. I want you to go to him, and really insist, that I no longer want to be left out of our sexual relationship, I want to be included. Initially he's going to try to brush off. Don't let that happen. Don't let him brush you off. Stay in there. After you've done that, and you feel he's let you in some, then introduce him to a chapter in my book called The Joy of Unsatisfactory sex, in my book We'd Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You. In there, I redefine sex as anything that happens between two people. So impotency is part of the relationship, so is fear, so awkwardness, so is anxiety. It's all part. Sex is energy, these are just other forms of energy. And as a part of that, invite him to stand up for his refusal. Because that's what he's doing right now. And invite him to say to you "I refuse to let you into our sex life. It's my sex life and I don't want to let you into it." I guarantee anyone who owns their behavior to that extent, will start to change. In addition, in the same chapter, I discuss something that may seem strange, certainly out of the box, and it's called the wisdom of the penis. That the penis has something to say. Because not only is he not listening to you, he's not listening to his own penis. Penises have messages, and they do it by how they behave. So his behavior could be saying I don't feel safe here, I feel too burdened, and I'm not comfortable. The more he can do that, and the more he can let in his own relationship he will let you in. And the two of you can start to have a really authentic sexual relationship that includes a whole range of behaviors where you're not limited to just the narrow spoke. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/sex-therapist-los-angeles
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Couples Therapy Technique: Consider The "We" Part Of Our Relationship - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net or Marla Gorlick at http://www.FullYesLiving.com Transcript of Video: Question: The longer my wife and I are together, the more conflicted our relationship has become. Is this a sign that we're not going to make it? Responses: Dr. Bruce Derman: This question, "Are we going to make it?", comes up in every single couples workshop that we do. We hear this over and over again, in our view, it's due to couples getting caught up and competing with one-another, and emphasizing their own individuality. This served your individual egos in trying to prove that one of you is right, but it does not serve the relationship. What is missing is what we call the "we" part. And the "we" is only interested in the loving connection between the two of you. Marla Gorlick: I was shocked when Bruce brought up, for the first time, that there were three of us in our relationship. I thought is this guy hearing a voice? Or is there a closet that I haven't looked in, in his house. But then after a lot of conversation, it made perfect sense to me that there's his needs, there's my needs, and there's the relationship's needs. Dr. Bruce Derman: The "we" is a separate entity, and needs to have its own place. It only cares about the relationship. It has no interest in winning, proving, or defending anything. It does not talk in paragraphs. It only cares about the loving mutual harmony of the relationship. When you as a couple can listen to the "we", there will be much less fighting and much more of you being on the same page. Marla Gorlick: We pay a lot of attention to the "we", and especially when we get stuck with one of our needs trying to dominate the relationship. So where do you find your "we" you might be asking? Well it's not lost. It's right there in one question, and that is, "What would the "we" part of the relationship be saying to you right now, and what is it asking you to do?" Dr. Bruce Derman: Perhaps your "we" is saying that you really need to listen to the other and hear them more deeply or you need to make a bigger commitment, or you need to slow down. And the more you can establish the "we" as its own living part in your relationship, you'll feel much more inspired because you'll be experiencing that you've created a bigger relationship that can hold the two of you individually and yet also support a loving, mutual, relationship. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net or Marla Gorlick at http://www.FullYesLiving.com
Просмотров: 371 Bruce Derman
Sex Therapy Technique: Lack of Sexual Interest in a Couple - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/sex-therapist-los-angeles Transcript of Video: Question: I Recently started to realize that the only time my wife and I ever have sex is when I sweet talk her into it. I feel like I have to ask her 100 times before she appeases me. How can I get her to be interested in me again? Response: What you're referring to is a very common dilemma that exists in many sexual beds in America. In fact, sexual disinterest is the biggest problem today. It is not unusual to hear that people haven't had sex for one year and two years. This is due to a lack of a strong sexual dynamic between men and women today. We don't have men who can really support their masculine, nor do we have women who can really support their feminine. Instead we end up with something that many of you might not want to hear, but we end up with hard women and mushy men. That does not make for sexual excitement. Now your current plan of begging and appeasing is working against you. What you're doing is letting her see you and experience you as a feminine man. She's not going to respect you from that place. So I want to help you to stand up to her. But it's not going to be in the way that you might expect. I want you to stand up and tell her "I really want to know about this sexual disinterest in me. What is involved in it. What exactly are you saying to me?" Now you'll have to peruse that because she might not initially take you seriously, and let her know you're really serious, "I want to know about this". And if you can accomplish this, for the first time you'll have a much clearer picture of what her sexual disinterest is. Maybe she doesn't like how you touch, she doesn't like how you talk, she doesn't like how you kiss. Whatever it is, you'll have a clear picture of this. And that will give you an opportunity to make some changes. But before you do that. I want you to ask her. "Ok I understand where we're at now. What will make a difference. What can I do to make a change here that will really make a difference? Not just keep this pattern going. And are you willing to trust me that I'm willing to do that?" Just by you taking on that kind of strong position. You will already be sending her a different message. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/sex-therapist-los-angeles
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Couples Therapy - Being In A Dysfunctional Relationship - The Relationship Doctor - Bruce Derman
Read my full blog post here: http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/relationship-blog/couples-therapy-4.html Couples Therapy Can Help You Realize the Greatest Advantage to A Mutual Relationship A common cause of unequal relationships -- one that I see often in my couples therapy practice — is a belief by one or both partners that they are superior to the other. These couples often subscribe to simplistic gender stereotypes of the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" variety, or the idea that opposites attract as a way to explain how such a caring, and loving person (themselves) ended up with such a selfish, distant, and unloving person (their partner). The fact is they end up with such a person because of the kind of person they really are, not the sort of person they try to seem to be. By buying into the "Difference Game", which I write about in my book "We'd Have a Great Relationship If It Weren't for You", these people are turning their relationships into a competition as a way of artificially boosting their ego and self-esteem. Instead of trying to "win" their relationship in couples therapy, they should be using their valuable couples therapy time to build a more intimate, equal, and mutual relationship. A mutual relationship is one where both partners consider themselves as equals, and consider the needs of the relationship in addition to their own personal needs and those of their partner. Mutual relationships are characterized by a couple that forms real agreements, where both partners discuss issues respectfully, understand each other's point of view, and eventually come to an agreement on an emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual level. There also characterized by couples who think of themselves collectively, as one relationship comprised of two individuals rather than as two individuals who happen to be in a relationship. Read the rest on my blog at: http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/relationship-blog/couples-therapy-4.html
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Books About Relationships: How To Deal With Emptiness - Dr. Bruce Derman - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/books-about-relationships Transcript of Video: Question: My mother abandoned our family when I was young and no matter what I try to do, I still feel this huge hole of emptiness inside. Is there anything I can do? Response: The emptiness that you're struggling with is the source of everyone's problem. They just don't realize it. So you're certainly not alone in your struggle with emptiness. What people don't realize is that emptiness is a part of our nature. Everything begins with emptiness and ends with emptiness. But most people reject this. Emptiness is one of the most rejected experiences that people do. They try all different ways, and devote a lifetime at times, to filling up this emptiness. Some try alcohol, some try porn, sex addiction, they try drugs, they try working, they try money, all these things they try in an effort to fill the emptiness. But they don't realize that emptiness cannot be filled with anything external. Anything you do with emptiness that is external is an endless trip to nowhere. In my book The hole it talks about a couple who discover a hole in their living room floor. Now this is a couple that had a perfect relationship. They had anything that any couple would ever want. Until this hole arrived. Even though the hole was very small, they set out to try to fill the hole. They put furniture over it, they put rugs over it, they put water in it, but the hole is bottomless. And no matter what they did it didn't make any difference. In fact, not only did it not make any difference but the hole got bigger and bigger. And as the hole got bigger their relationship started to tank. And they started fighting and they ended up in great despair, until they went on a journey to accept their emptiness. And make it a part of their life. Only then did they feel at peace with it. Now the rejection of emptiness has many results. Show me anyone who's born, I'll show you someone who can't stand emptiness. The loneliness that most people talk about is the rejection of emptiness. If you were to accept emptiness you could never feel lonely. You will be alone, but you will never be lonely. Now it's hard to fathom that something that most people think is despicable, at times I call it the dread of mankind, has so much to give. But that's the way it is. Every significant thing in my life. Every important event, me becoming a psychologist came out of me accepting my emptiness, and the love for psychology emerged. My beautiful wife, and the great relationship we have together, came from me accepting my emptiness and stop running around, trying to fill it with multitudes of women. All this helped me to really gain these very valuable gifts. And these same gifts can be yours if you learn to accept emptiness. Read my book The Hole and it will certainly help to do that. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/books-about-relationships
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Technique to Deal With Eating Disorders - The Relationship Doctor - Dr. Bruce Derman
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/eating-disorder-treatment-los-angeles Transcript of Video: Question: I'm what people call an "emotional eater" and I can't seem to get out of this terrible habit. What can I do? Dr. Derman's Response: The first thing I want you to realize is that being an emotional eater puts you in the majority not the minority. There's a lot, many, people who live to eat. It is one of the favorite occupations of our culture. Being an emotional eater has a purpose though, it is to help you sooth all the feelings that you find uncomfortable. Be it fear, being lonely, being sad, be it anxiety, your emotional eater is there to help you sooth these feelings. So starting from that point, realizing that there's a positiveness to this. So I want you to stop calling yourself names, and judging yourself. And I want you to let go of all your self-loathing. So that you'll be open to what I'm gonna share with you. Which is a very personal process in regards to your emotional eater. I want you to create a dialogue with your eater. So that you're having a personal relationship, back and forth, rather than experiencing just that your emotional eater is doing something and just that it's a terrible habit. As a start in having this dialogue I want you to say to your eater: "I no longer want to be dependent on you. I no longer want you running the show. I want to start experiencing these feelings that I've been running from and facing these feelings. And in that way, you can start the dialogue. Now you need to understand that your emotional eater has been with you for a long time and is not just going to drop off the map just because you made one statement. Because your emotional eater is probably going to say back to you : "What are you kidding? You got to be kidding. You're going to be without me? You're going to experience these feelings without me? You're not capable of it. I've heard this from you before. And within a very short time you come running back to me. You need me! And you need to face that you need me! At this point, is a critical point, and you need to decide that you're really committed to this and you're gonna stay in the dialogue. And in doing it you need to answer the emotional eater back. And say, "Yes, I have had difficulty. Yes, I have needed you in the past. But i no longer want to do that. I wanna let you know that I'm willing to be scared. And I no longer need your protection. Now the more you can do this... but this is not just something that you do on a Tuesday, this is something that you're gonna need to integrate into your life. Where you're having this personal dialogue all the time. Especially when you go near food. But the more you can do this and the more you can be personal with yourself and deal with the eater, up front, the more you will have control over this part of you. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.therelationshipdoctor.net/eating-disorder-treatment-los-angeles
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The Relationship Doctor - An Introduction to Dr. Bruce Derman
Contact Dr. Bruce Derman at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net Transcript of video: Hi, my nam e is Dr. Bruce Derman, and I'm a clinical psychologist. I've been in practice for 43 years, and I've written three books: We'd Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You, We Could Have A Great Date If It Weren't For You, and a fable called The Hole that deals with man's struggle with emptiness. All of this has led me to be called The Relationship Doctor. There are many therapists out there, but we don't have the same style and philosophy. I want to give you some sense of who I am. I love being a Therapist. It is not a job for me, it is my passion. In fact, I work out of my home, and I tell my clients, "You invite me into your world, and I invite you into mine." I also want you to know that I'm a very direct, no-nonsense, frank, therapist, who is extremely engaging. So I'm not good for all people. Some people who need more hand holding are not the best people for me to work with. I need to work with people who are really serious about making real change in their life. Another thing I want to mention that people ask me, "How do you choose a therapist?", and what I tell them is that you choose a therapist by finding someone who can hold the vibration that is unacceptable to you. Maybe you have difficulty with love, you have difficulty with acceptance, you have difficulty with fear. You need to choose a therapist who can hold that, in order for there to be therapy. If the therapist cannot hold that, in my mind there is no therapy. You're just occupying space together, and it's not really therapy. Contact Dr. Bruce Derman at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net
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Couples Therapy Technique For Improving A Relationship - Dr. Bruce Derman - The Relationship Doctor
For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net Transcript of Video: Question: My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. We've seen several therapists and we can't seem to connect in the way we once did. I want him to listen to me. He wants me to accept him as he is. I want more intimacy. He wants more sex. Is there any hope for a couple like us? Response: In regards to your question "Is there's any hope for your relationship?", it appears to me that you're caught up in what I call a difference game, that I describe in my book We'd Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You. In that difference game each couple tries to prove that one is better or less than the other and they use all different topics. I had one couple who used a chicken. How to cut a chicken. And fought over that as to who's the most stupid. All this gives the appearance of difference. If you were truly different then you wouldn't be together. My premise is that any couple who is together is the same, not different. You're both equally frightened and equally afraid of a committed relationship. And this emphasis of equality and mutuality is at the heart of my approach. And I hold firm that each couple who is together is the same, despite their attempts to prove to me that they're different. And that they are the exception to the rule. And a couple who can allow that sameness and go by going beneath the differences, they will find, that there will be a softening in the relationship. They will find the love that they've had before. But in order to accomplish this, you really need to make a strong commitment. Because for many couples, there's been much more attention paid to your differences than to your sameness. So you really need to make a strong commitment. You need to remember that only couples who see themselves as equals can be intimate. If you're out to prove inequality you can't have an intimate relationship. You can have a lot of fighting, you can end up being divorced, but no intimacy. For more information, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at http://www.TheRelationshipDoctor.net
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